{"id":186,"date":"2009-10-11T02:00:00","date_gmt":"2009-10-11T02:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/theutahhostage.com\/?p=186"},"modified":"2009-10-11T02:00:00","modified_gmt":"2009-10-11T02:00:00","slug":"getting-a-spider-put-on-your-fingernail-is-a-bad-idea-cuz-youll-probably-die-or-go-to-prison-where-youll-die-or-become-someones-bitch","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/theutahhostage.com\/?p=186","title":{"rendered":"Getting a spider put on your fingernail is a bad idea. Cuz you’ll probably die. Or go to prison. Where you’ll die. Or become someone’s bitch."},"content":{"rendered":"
Basically, nothing good can come of it, so just don’t do it.<\/p>\n

I have acrylic nails. I have had them forever and I maintain them RELIGIOUSLY. I really don\u2019t have a choice. I have to keep them up. If I don\u2019t, I will have no nails. None. Cuz I\u2019m a nail biter. No, you don\u2019t understand. I\u2019m a BAD nail biter (or would that be a good one?). I\u2019ve been one as long as I can remember. I even think I remember my mom saying once that I came out of the womb with no nails. Which means I probably had it from conception. I totally blame my mom. And she is a former biter too, which supports my case. Thanks so much for the genetic defect MOM!<\/p>\n

I go in last Saturday for a backfill, like clockwork. The nail place I go to has a HUGE display table full of examples. Anything & pretty much everything you can think of, they’ve got. Plus they rotate in some seasonal examples cuz they’re greedy mothers<\/strike> cuz it’s just good business. I head over to the display table looking for something Halloweeny (WTF is wrong with me? Halloweeny?). But anything I remotely give a second glance to is like an additional $30+. I don\u2019t THINK so. Then my nail tech comes over to \u2018help\u2019 and I know I\u2019m in trouble. Actually, \u2018in trouble\u2019 doesn\u2019t really cut it. I\u2019m screwed. I just can\u2019t say no to her. So, I let her talk me into getting a spider on one of my nails. Great. Just great.<\/p>\n

She gets the backfill done first just like normal. Then it\u2019s time for the spider. She puts a big glob of black acrylic<\/strike> goo in the middle of my nail. I just KNOW that there\u2019s an egg sac in there that’s just waiting for Halloween night to bust open and take me as a human sacrifice. But how do I tell her NOOOOO! I\u2019m not ready to die yet!<\/i> without coming across as rude? I just can\u2019t do it. I just can\u2019t tell her that her idea scares the living shit outta me. So I suffer in silence. And while the end result is quite attractive and season appropriate, it does nothing to calm the horrific fears I have of what is to come on Halloween.<\/p>\n

And since then…..<\/p>\n

I have to hide that fingernail. I have noticed the spider eyeing people around me looking for more potential victims. YIKES! I can\u2019t let that happen! I\u2019d go to prison for murder cuz who in their right mind would believe that a spider on my nail<\/i> killed people? Plus, I would not make a good inmate. I would completely freak out. Which would leave me a prime candidate to get a shiv in the prison yard. Yep, I\u2019m that<\/i> girl. Or another inmate would corner me in the shower and make me her bitch. Neither of those are good options for me.<\/p>\n

Also, everytime I catch the spider out of the corner of my eye, I freak out screaming, \u201cSpider! OMG! A SPIDER!\u201d Then I grab my stapler and start banging my hand with it yelling, \u201cKill it! Kill it! KILL IT!\u201d And then my biting habit kicks in, but I CAN\u2019T GET IT OFF!<\/p>\n

So now my hand is a sick combination of black\/blue\/purple\/yellow and that finger is all shredded and bloody. It\u2019s pretty much completely useless. Which is why it took me a week to write this post. And my job is in danger of ending even earlier. I keep getting written up for being a disruption in the office. But then again, my job will be over when I get arrested for murder anyway.<\/p>\n

Can anyone recommend a lawyer? I\u2019m gonna need a good one to keep me from going to prison. And then I think I’m gonna sue my nail technician. It’s all her fault. Better yet, I\u2019ll sic my spider on her. Yeah, that would work.<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Basically, nothing good can come of it, so just don’t do it. I have acrylic nails. I have had them forever and I maintain them RELIGIOUSLY. I really don\u2019t have a choice. I have to keep them up. If I don\u2019t, I will have no nails. None. Cuz I\u2019m a nail biter. No, you don\u2019t … Continue reading Getting a spider put on your fingernail is a bad idea. Cuz you’ll probably die. Or go to prison. Where you’ll die. Or become someone’s bitch.<\/span> →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[24,32,26,21],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-186","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-am-i-the-only-one-who-thinks-this-is-funny","category-freakin-weird-shit","category-misc-rantings","category-the-method-to-my-madness"],"yoast_head":"\nGetting a spider put on your fingernail is a bad idea. Cuz you'll probably die. Or go to prison. Where you'll die. 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